The DL on PD

I never thought much about postpartum depression before I became pregnant. It was one of the many things I had mentally filed under Review Later. But well into my second trimester, I asked my mother one day if she had felt sad at all after she had me or any of my siblings. Sure, she probably regretted all of us when we turned a sassy fifteen, but what about before then?

"Yes," Mom said. "For a few weeks after delivery I felt what they call the 'Baby Blues.' Your grandma had the same thing for a few months." I was surprised since neither had ever mentioned it. True, I hadn't ever asked, but still, this information would've been valuable, I don't know, SIX MONTHS AGO.

I thought about it for a while. I decided that there was no way I could tell if I would have the blues or full-blown postpartum depression, so I might as well accept that I was a candidate. Several times I told Tim, "If I seem frustrated and cry all the time after the baby's born ... well, just keep encouraging me. Go overboard with the praise and help out a lot, and maybe I'll be OK." I didn't know what else to say, except that I was worried about it.

Now that our baby is 7 weeks old, I feel I can say that, no, I don't have PD, but I had a tough case of the blues. Most days Tim came home from work those first few weeks (and some days, still) to find me crying. Why? Simple frustration. See, when someone does well, let's say at the office, he is praised by his coworkers, and his boss may reward him with a good raise at the end of the year. The cause and effect of hard work is clear. But with a baby, there is no praise. There is no, "Hey, good job on that last diaper change--you really have the hang of it!" or "Wow, I can't believe you carried me for an hour while I screamed. You really took one for the team!" A newborn simply won't verbally reward a person like she has been used to all her life. I have to tell myself constantly that I'm not a bad mother or a failure, especially when Rain's crying.

Perfect example: today (actually, it's 5 a.m., so yesterday) Rain, for no reason I could tell, cried for 4 hours. She calmed down for 10-15 minutes 2-3 times during, but cried from 3 p.m. to almost 7 p.m. I did everything (changed her, burped her, fed her, showed her toys, took her for a walk, etc.), but nothing would soothe her. It got to the point I pulled out the thermometer to check if she had a fever. Because she's a baby, I had to take her rectal temperature. To teach me not to intrude on her personal space again, during the reading she pooped. It turned out she didn't have a fever, go figure.

At 7:00 or so, Rain stopped crying. Just like that. Stopped. There I was, on the couch with earplugs on, and she just stopped crying. I ask you, how was I supposed to feel as a mom? How could anyone feel like anything but a failure who had no control over the situation?

Yes, I can understand how easily moms can go from unhappy to depression in a short time. But, for me, the sadness passed within minutes after Rain settled down. Tim came home, held the baby, and comforted me. As I've told Tim time and again, I don't know how single parents make it. If I didn't have his and my family's support, who knows what I'd be thinking?