"Kids Today ..."

Since Rain has turned two, I find myself thinking more and more like my parents. Phrases like, "Do you want me to give you a reason to cry about?" and "Fine! But don't come crying to me about it when you fall off!" seem to come around more and more in circulation. Today I went out into the mall for the first time in forever, and I found myself thinking a lot of "Kids today this" and "Kids today that." The one that went more than a few times around the block was, "Kids today--what are they wearing??" For your convenience, I've broken down the main categories of fashion sense (hair included) available at the mall, for those who like to mentally prepare:

1. HOMELESS
This kid gives new meaning to the words "holey moley." Everything he wears is a combination of (1) ratty, (2) black, or (3) ratty black. Never mind he has the newest iPod and a seemingly Marinara Trench-deep account for hair dye, the boy walks about like he's about to ask me for a buck. Which he may do.

2. FAN HAPPY
Fan Happy haircuts often go hand-in-hand with Homeless guys, but not necessarily. If you've seen this cut, you know I'm not exaggerating when I say that it looks like there's a fan blowing on this guy's hair from the side all the time. The bangs go across they face (over the eyes) unreasonably low to create this permanent swipe of hair that doesn't occur in the natural world. Not even fledgling reporters in a tornado-force gust of wind have this look, so what's the deal? I pity these guys and girls--I do. They get little sleep at night because all day they're building this crick in their necks from tilting their heads to the side to keep the look.

3. SCARY SKINNY
Ok, please for the love of all that's good: young men, please stop wearing skinny jeans. Seriously, please. Maybe I'm old school, but who wants a man who is so scrawny he can share share jeans with you? Man up! I say again, man up!

4. BABY MAMA
Skank, I know, is a perennial favorite in fashion, so this doesn't qualify as new. What is continuously shocking to me is how much younger these girls are who are running around like they're 21. I'm so not morally judging them, because I for one think it's totally cool for a 10-year-old to look 21 ... as long as she plays the part all the way. Like move out of mom and dad's. Get a job. Pay rent. Buy your own food. Take care of your baby. Did I mention get out of mom and dad's?

Ok, gotta go--there's a kid over here looking for a buck.