Suck it Up

I don't like to cry. In fact, the only person who ever sees me cry is my husband. I've had my heart torn and handed back to me, and still, I don't like to cry in front of others. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Today, I've been thinking: parents, many times, stop their tears, because they don't want their children to see pain. It's this strange reasoning that if they never see pain, they will never know pain.

Over the last few weeks, several things have happened that cumulatively, made me want to break down. My mom, after 21 years of service to a company who didn't deserve her, was laid off. That began a series of unrelated problems. In the last 2 weeks, I've been let down, I've attended a wake, I've spent time with a friend who finally has to face difficult consequences, I've allowed some things I shouldn't have, and other things that I haven't made peace with. And the stress ... well, I did what I could.

Today, finally, was the last thing that had to be attended to, I think. I hugged my little brother goodbye, and sent him on his way to start a new life in New Mexico. There is a job opportunity there that, hopefully, will provide his family the financial security every good father wants for his kids. I was feeding Rain when my brother was finally ready to leave. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, and walked him out. When he was gone, I returned to Rain. I held up another spoonful of rice cereal, swallowed the feelings I had, and smiled for her.